Alcohol abuse and dependence does not just affect the drinker, it also affects families and loved ones. Caring for a friend or family member struggling with an alcohol addiction can be both painful and frustrating. The loved one can disrupt family life, neglecting their responsibilities, getting into financial and legal difficulties. During periods of intoxication they treat you and other family members with contempt or even violence.
Recognizing the signs of a person with a drinking problem
For many people, drinking alcohol is a normal part of life. In most places, it is legal and socially acceptable for an adult to enjoy an alcoholic beverage. But since the effects of alcohol vary so much from person to person, it's not always easy to tell when a loved one's alcohol consumption has crossed the line from socially responsible drinking to abuse. There is no specific amount that indicates someone has an alcohol use disorder. Rather, it is defined by how drinking affects the loved one's life.
A person has signs of alcohol addiction if:
regularly neglects responsibilities at home, work or school because he is drunk or hungover;
consumes alcohol often or more than intended;
lies or tries to hide how much they consume;
passed out or can't remember what he said or did when he was drinking;
continue to drink even when it causes problems in their relationships with you and others;
uses alcohol to self-medicate a mental health problem such as anxiety, depression or bipolar disorder.
How to approach a person addicted to alcohol?
It's not easy to talk to someone about drinking. You may fear that if you express your concern, the person will get angry, defensive, or simply deny that they have a problem. In fact, these are all common reactions. But that's no reason to avoid saying something. It is likely that your loved one's drinking will not stop on its own; it's more likely to get worse by the time you talk.
While it's important to be open and honest about your concerns, remember that you can't force someone to stop abusing alcohol. No matter how much you want to, and no matter how hard it is to follow, you can't make someone stop drinking. The choice is up to them. What you can do, though, is give them steps they can take to solve their problem—whether it's calling a helpline, talking to a doctor or counselor about getting into treatment, or going to a group meeting.
Tips for talking to someone about drinking
Things that help
1 - Choose a time when your loved one is not drinking and you are calm and focused. Choose a quiet, private place where you won't be interrupted – and turn off your phone and other devices to avoid distractions.
2 - Express your concerns in a caring way. Tell your loved one about your concerns about their drinking and the effects it has on their health, your relationship, and the family as a whole. Try to remain neutral and compassionate rather than judging or shaming your loved one's behavior.
3 - Encourage your loved one to open up about their reasons for abusing alcohol. "Are they stressed, bored, lonely or anxious, for example?" Many different factors could contribute to alcohol use, but in order to stay sober your loved one will need to address whatever underlying cause they are.
4 - Consider organizing a family reunion or intervention if you'd rather not go alone. Again, everyone should be empathetic, rather than seeing this as an opportunity to bully, accuse, or vent anger against the alcoholic.
Things to avoid
1 - Don't take negative feedback personally. It may take several tries to start a real conversation with your loved one about drinking. Expect rejection and denial. Give the person time and space to come to terms with your concerns and begin to see the problem for themselves.
2 - Do not attempt to threaten, punish, bribe, or preach. Avoid emotional appeals that only add to the drinker's guilt and increase their compulsion to drink. Give advice, not ultimatums.
3 - Don't try to cover up or excuse your loved one's behavior. Trying to shield them from their responsibilities will prevent them from seeing the negative consequences of drinking and may delay their decision to seek help for the problem.
4 - Don't blame yourself. You are not to blame for your loved one's addiction, you are not to blame or responsible for their behavior, and you cannot change them overnight.
Encourage your loved one to accept help
Don't expect your loved one to overcome their drinking problem on their own. Even if they do not require medical supervision to safely withdraw, they will still need support, guidance and new coping skills to stop or reduce their drinking.
1 - You can encourage your friend or family member to get help by:
2 - Offering to accompany them to medical appointments, group meetings or counseling sessions.
3 - Sitting with them as they call a helpline for advice.
4 - Making a concrete plan with them, detailing what changes they will make and how.
Your role doesn't end when your loved one agrees to seek help.
Recovery is an ongoing process that requires time and patience. Someone who abuses alcohol will not magically become a different person after they get sober. In fact, they will face a number of new challenges. They will have to find new ways to live without alcohol and they will also have to address the problems that led to alcohol abuse in the first place. But with your continued support and love, they can get there.
Treatment options
Your loved one's psychiatrist or family doctor can assess their drinking patterns, evaluate their overall health and any associated disorders, and make treatment recommendations. If appropriate, the doctor may even prescribe approved medications to help treat alcohol addiction.
Attending a 12-step program or other support group is one of the most common treatment options for alcohol abuse and dependence. AA meetings and similar groups allow your loved one to spend time with others who are dealing with the same issues. In addition to reducing their sense of isolation, their loved one can get advice on staying sober and offloading from others who understand their own struggles. Studies suggest that the social connection these groups provide can help your loved one develop confidence in their own ability to avoid alcohol in social situations and support their sobriety.
Behavioral treatments include individual, group, and family therapy sessions. They can help your loved one identify the root causes of their drinking, repair damaged relationships, develop skills to stop or reduce drinking, and learn how to deal with alcohol triggers that could cause them to relapse.
Supporting your loved one's recovery
Recovery from alcoholism or a drinking problem can be a road with ups and downs. About half of people who complete treatment for alcohol abuse for the first time stay sober, while the other half relapse and return to drinking at some point. It is common for people to require treatment several times to finally achieve sobriety. That means you'll need a lot of patience when supporting your loved one's recovery.
1 - Encourage your loved one to pursue new interests.
2 - Suggest social activities that don't involve drinking.
3 - Help the person address the problems that led to the drinking.
4 - Don't turn the person on by arguing or unnecessary stress.
5 - Help them find healthier ways to deal with stress.
6 - Prepare for relapses, but don't blame yourself.
Dealing with a loved one's alcohol problem can feel like an emotional roller-coaster and can seriously affect health, outlook and well-being. It is vital that you stay safe, look after your own health and get the support you need.
Don't go into battle alone. It's important to have people you can talk to honestly and openly about what you're going through. Reach out to trusted friends, a support group, people in your faith community, or your own therapist.
Don't neglect your own needs. Try not to let your loved one's behavior dictate your own health and happiness. Getting your loved one back can be a long process, so you need to maintain a balance in your life. Keep up with work, appointments and social plans.
Set boundaries. As much as you love the person with the drinking problem and as upsetting as it can be to watch them struggle with their addiction, there is only so much you can do.
Manage stress. Worry and stress about your loved one can take a toll on your mind and body, so find ways to ease the pressure. Eating right, exercising regularly and sleeping well can help keep stress under control.